As the summer is beginning to wind down, and wanting to take advantage of the remaining great weather, I decided to take my 7 year old nephew on a camping trip.
Before leaving for the trip, my sister (his mother) and I spoke on the phone and she sternly warned me: “Quinn, please be careful with him this weekend – he’s coming to an age where he wants to do everything on his own and doesn’t want any influence from adults”. I said, “OK” a little nervously, and wondered if this was going to be a frightening weekend trying to corral an obstinate, high-energy, 7-year-old? Was my memory of the sweet-natured boy I had seen just a few months earlier completely wrong?
Thankfully, my nephew wasn’t nearly as “independent” as I had feared he might have been and we had a wonderful time together. However, he is 7 and just like any 7-year-old, he is at times in need of limits. So the trip offered me a chance to reflect on, and work at implementing healthy limit setting.
Throughout the weekend, I was often stunned by the parallels of a 7-year-old’s behavior, and some of my adult clients that eventually land in rehab. Age seems to know no bounds when limits are needed and whether your child is 7 or 27, healthy limit setting is critical for any child’s developmental, emotional, interpersonal maturity. Here are some thoughts on setting limits for your children:
Children naturally experiment and push boundaries in their quest to mature and learn to be a part of society. Not everything they try will be right every time. Parents are part of their lives to correct them and teach them appropriate behavior. It is, after all, better to learn young the realities and expectations of life than to learn later in a much higher risk situation. I often find very regretful, remorseful, guilt-ridden parents whose children are sadly bouncing from rehab to rehab, wishing they had learned the valuable life-lesson of limit setting early on.
When parents work with their children in setting and enforcing appropriate limits, they teach them skills and tools for a productive life. If you set and maintain limits, your children will learn from your positive discipline and develop their own sense of right and wrong and attitude of self-discipline. Sometimes, we feel like spoiling our children a little is a way to show them love. But do they feel loved? Perhaps, but more importantly, they feel empowered to do as they please. A better sign of love is to see that our children develop positive behavior by consistently following appropriate rules.
1. Set limits and consequences together.
Rules are set best when parents and children set them together. Being a part of the rule-setting process helps them understand the rules and consequences better. Work with your children in a collaborative manner to get the desired behavior that is best for you and them.
2. Show your love by consistent application.
Being a “marshmallow dad” that gives into his children regularly rather than enforcing the rules of good child behavior may seem fun and loving, but it is not showing true love and concern for them. Having them obey rules and face the consequences when they are broken is real love.
3. Make the consequences stick.
When the rule is violated, remind the child of the consequence and make it happen. No matter what. Consistent application gives the child a feeling of security in knowing that your word is real and that you expect hers to be the same.
4. Remember that firmness is not cruelty.
Being firm creates a strong foundation in your relationship with your child. You can be firm but kind. And you should be fair. That is why a clear setting of expectations for child behavior and the consequences – good or bad- is important in this process.
Setting limits shows love for your children. The parent who works with their children to set boundaries and consequences for appropriate child behavior and administers them fairly, firmly, and consistently creates a relationship of trust with them, and helps them develop into responsible and dependable adults.
