I recently met with a client for individual counseling who was struggling with some substance abuse issues. During the initial interview, I inquired into the nature of his relationships. It’s been my experience, that most people struggling with addiction challenges are often disconnected, isolated, and desperately lonely, even when they do not necessarily know they feel of all of these things.
His response was reflexive, very common among many of my clients, and not surprising to me: “Oh…my relationships…they’re fine – actually they’re amazing right now”.
My trained clinical ear wondered about the truth of such a statement and if my client was attempting to deceive me, or perhaps my client truly believed his relationships “were amazing”.
Through our work together in counseling, and working with many more people just like him in therapy relationships, I found that he was not attempting to deceive me, but he truly did not know what it meant to be in a healthy relationship. He simply did not know what he did not know. Often, we’re not shown or modeled healthy relationship in our early childhood experiences, so it’s not surprising that as adults, we don’t know what they look like either. And unfortunately, it’s often something we need to learn for the first time as an adult. Learning what it means to be in a healthy relationship, then implementing that knowledge, is something that counseling is highly effective with, and is mile-markers on the road to health and freedom from substance abuse issues and other mental health struggles.
Take a look at the list below to gauge the quality of relationships in your own life and find out how you’re faring:
1. Are you really known?
Are you able to admit your weaknesses and disclose the parts about yourself you feel less proud of or ashamed of? It seems that intimacy is built on the ability for two people to share their weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Healthy relationships continually make it a routine to share both the good and bad stuff. And although honesty can be difficult, it’s critical to the success of a healthy relationship.
2. How well do you listen and how well do you share?
Are you able to get and receive feedback in your relationship? There are two parts to this one: First, are we able to receive feedback, even when it may hurt and still respond without becoming defensive? And second, are you able to give feedback in a non-judgmental, hypocritical, or passive aggressive fashion? Healthy relationships recognize the need to speak into each other’s lives, because it’s typically the most intimate relationships that are the most emotionally dysregulating.
3. How’s your humility
Partners of healthy and safe relationship recognize and acknowledge their own broken parts. Healthy people don’t hate themselves, yet they don’t think they “have it all together” either. They live in the gray of those two worlds. If you’re looking for a fast-track to wreck intimacy between two people, beware of the “not-me” experience of someone that tells the other their above your shortfalls.
4. Are you really growing?
Learning to move past apologies, accept responsibility, and truly change is a sign you’re in-it with a healthy partner. Sometimes, people can be duped by someone who continually apologizes, yet shows little or no effort to truly change. Healthy relationships realize that, like a lake with stagnant water cuts off life, stagnant relationships eventually die an emotional death.
5. Are you dealing with your stuff?
Healthy relationships operate in a paradigm that says, “Hey, I’m messed up but I’m working on it”. Dealing with our problems shows the world we are self-aware enough to be heading in the right direction.
Use these 5 questions as a reference point to relationships in your own life. And remember, counseling is #1 proven way to improve the quality of your connections, so if you want to be at a better spot, don’t hesitate to make an appointment with us today.
