If you’re interested in reading this blog, chances are you’re in a relationship with someone you find to be emotionally unavailable. Great. I’m glad you’re here.
By the end of this blog, I’m certain you’ll have a different perspective on your man.
You’ll probably feel a little more hopeful about the future too. I take it you might need that.
So what is this thing called emotionally unavailable?
It’s become a popularized term in pop-psychology without a clear and agreeable definition. So for the sake of this blog, I’m going to offer you my own definition of the term. My definition is defining the typical male in the modern American marriage.
Emotionally Unavailable Man: Men who create barriers to intimacy, which can make their partners feel unloved or unwanted.
Pretty straight forward. Pretty simple.
In case you didn’t notice, I purposefully didn’t slam men in that definition. Culture at large does a fine enough job depicting men as pathetic losers incapable of substance. I’m not interested in perpetuating that sentiment.
For a quick snapshot, here are some common misconceptions about men as it relates to being emotionally unavailable:
- Men don’t want to connect
- Men don’t have feelings
- Men don’t like emotional intimacy
- Men are “robots”, etc.
- Men are less emotional than women.
All false. Objectively false.
The truth is, men are grossly misunderstood and if you keep reading, you’ll gain more insight into this man that causes you so much frustration.
Yes – I know. Being married to an emotionally unavailable man can make you feel so alone. I get it.
Most likely, you perceive him as withholding something from you that he can give. But in reality he can’t because he doesn’t know how.
Not yet anyway.
Understanding Your Emotionally Unavailable Man
I want to share with you 3 big ideas about the emotionally unavailable man that hopefully will help you become more tuned-in to your man and will help you make sense of why he does what he does.
As this happens, all sorts of new worlds will begin to open up for your emotional connection with him.
Here we go.
He’s Just Like His Dad
Seriously though – have you met his Dad? I mean unless your husbands family is from Egypt and you’re from England and the actual logistical distance has kept you from meeting his parents, then why on earth would you be confused about your man’s emotional unavailability?
But you’ve met his Dad. You met that guy. That guy who is even more emotionally unavailable and shut down than your husband is. Did you forget that that guy taught your husband everything he knows about emotions, vulnerability, and deeper connection?
Your father-in-law. The one who makes inappropriate jokes. Or can’t help himself but to talk about politics or religion in the most inappropriate ways. That guy who breaks all the social norms. Or maybe your father-in-law is the one who says nothing. Just sits there….idly depressed.
This is the guy who modeled for your man what it means to be emotionally unavailable. You think you have it bad…can you imagine how lonely your mother-in-law feels? If only she’d let herself feel it. She can’t. It’s too painful.
And it didn’t end here with his Dad. It’s not just his Dad that robbed him of healthy modeling of relationship connection. The church pastor robbed him too. And the soccer coach. And the Boy Scout leader. And now his boss at work continues the unhealthy role-modeling. Your husband can’t escape it….the constant barrage of unhealthy males in his life teaching exactly how not-to-be!
So, doesn’t it seem a little silly to hold someone responsible for a skill that literally no one has ever taught him?
It would be like getting mad at someone for not knowing how to speak Japanese, when they’ve never learned that language. That wouldn’t make sense right? Actually it’s worse than that. It’s like getting mad at someone for not speaking Japanese, when they not only don’t know how to speak Japanese, but every time they’ve tried to speak Japanese, every man in his life ridiculed him, judged him, or scolded him for speaking Japanese.
I’d quit speaking Japanese. And your husband did too.
Being Emotionally Available Is Scary for Him
Did you just laugh at the word scary? That’s not nice.
It really is though…scary for him. What is scary you may ask?
Well, when you’re socialized all your life to act tough and strong and independent and calm, and stoic; overtime, you fear deeply what others might think of you when you do something different and show your more vulnerable self. The fear is about being shamed. Men – in the purest form of locker room talk – shame each other for weakness and vulnerability.
In the locker room, men don’t brag about grabbing pu$$y’s (sorry Donald – you don’t hang in locker rooms – let’s be honest), they brag about accomplishments, raises at work, promotions, or how well their children do on the soccer field.
These conversations, although not bad, are devoid of vulnerable feelings. Men, out of fairness to them, could never, ever, discuss with their pals in the locker room feelings of failure when they lost their job, feelings of sadness when their son didn’t make the soccer team, or feeling scared when they got demoted at work.
But the truth is, men feel all of these feelings. They’ve just never been given permission to acknowledge them.
This is where it gets tricky if you’re married to an emotionally unavailable man.
What you most likely see as a {won’t}, I see as a {can’t}. I don’t think your husband is as stubborn and obstinate as you think he is. I do think he’s scared though. I think opening up and becoming more emotionally available is a terrifying proposition for him. You see him as an unwilling jerk. And I see him as being terrified of being ridiculed.
It’s something totally alien and totally terrifying to risk opening up in emotionally available ways. It means breaking away from everything they’ve been taught about what it means to be a man. Toughness, stoicism, rationale, logic are the things of real men. Real men don’t show that emotional garbage.
What if, instead of viewing your man through the lens of won’t, you begin to view him through the lens of can’t? (As in….it’s super, super hard for him)
That subtle shift will undoubtedly elicit less judgment and more compassion. Something every marriage needs. And by the way…that might just actually help him open up more!
Emotionally Unavailable = People Pleaser
Emotionally Unavailable Men are chronic people pleasers – doing anything and everything to keep the peace.
This makes them painfully boring to be around most of the time.
Have you noticed this about your man? It might be hard to spot because you see him as a self-absorbed-narcissist sometimes, but in reality he is a total people pleaser.
Men that are emotionally unavailable are almost ALWAYS chronic “nice-guys”, who are not willing to risk sharing parts of themselves out of fear or of rocking the boat.
Nice-guys learn it’s better to not rock the boat…you get loved this way.
Men are conditioned, even by their own mothers sometimes, that their love and approval is closely tied to their behavior of being “good little boys”. Good little boys don’t get angry. Good little boys don’t have aggression. And good little boys don’t cry too much. The good little boy eventually learns to shut-off all that emotion that seems to bother his caregivers.
So, over time, the good little boy ages and grows into a big boy body where he turns into a people pleasing, emotionally unavailable man and chronic “nice-guy”.
And now, you’re married to this emotionally unavailable man and you can’t get him to open up.
He’s totally shut down and no matter how hard you seem to try, he keeps you at an emotional arm’s length.
What’s important for you to know here is that he is terrified of letting his true self emerge and be seen. He fears you judging him. He fears you abandoning him. He fears you criticizing him. And so, he remains in this people pleaser mode that ultimately doesn’t work for him, and it doesn’t work for you either. (Nice-guys are always duds in the bedroom).
If you want more connection from your man, often it starts with allowing him to open up in ways that require him to rock the boat. Naturally, this can be hard if you’re on the other end, but it’s essential that your encouragement for him to open up really isn’t a double message like:
“I want you to open up. But I only want you to open up in the ways that make me feel good”.
That’s not opening up. That’s just re-enacting all the messaging from his past.
Help your man shatter his people pleaser identity by giving him permission and encouragement to be and say the good, the bad, and the ugly.
If you want more depth in your connection, it often starts by letting go of your illusion that your married to a “nice-guy”. He’s so much more than that “nice-guy”.
You Can Have It
Deepening your connection with your emotionally unavailable husband is very possible. I want you to know that.
It will take some effort, some patience, and some managing of your own fears, but it’s possible.
Men are, in fact, highly emotionally creatures that crave connection just as you do. If you’re in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, consider marriage counseling with him to make positive changes to your relationship.
Or if by chance he’s not ready for couples counseling, participating in individual counseling on your own can be really helpful to to help him connect with you!
